Choler

(in medieval science and medicine) one of the four bodily humors, identified with bile, believed to be associated with a peevish or irascible temperament.

 

You’re making me so angry these days. I can’t even type without feeling the surge of rage build up within me, barely contained and hidden. I hate how selfish you have become. I hate how much you’ve started using this independent phase of yours as an excuse to do as you please. I hate the secrecy and the lies. I hate not knowing the truth and I hate knowing the truth too, especially when it comes from somebody else. I despise the way you’ve started speaking to me, because I can’t tell the truth from the lies anymore. I always could you know, and now I’m trying so hard not to see the lies. I’m working so hard to see the normalcy in this abnormal situation. I hate this two-faced behavior. This is not healthy, this is not right and this is not fair. 

I’m not used to cloaks and daggers. I am not used to shutting up. I am not used to people saying one thing and doing the very opposite and then not even bothering to justify it. I am not used to not knowing. I am not okay with finding out with the rest of the world because it makes me feel sidelined, betrayed and used. 

I know if I act on this we’re going to have problems. I know if I don’t keep my mouth shut we’re going for a strike. I know if I don’t stop caring we’re going to have to reevaluate everything. Have you ever had to rewire your entire conscience? Have you ever had to bite back basic instinct and carry on living this new persona? I doubt you have. I doubt you would. I do believe that on your plane you do not think it is a big deal. I do believe that you will play this off as an overreaction with me over-thinking everything. I know it will reflect rather highly on the “over-emotional, over-dramatic” scale and I will close my eyes and take it. 

 I will never say this out loud. I will never repeat these sentences in public. I will never disapprove of the things you say and the way you have decided to live your life. I will never use anything you have said to me against you. I will never not defend you to the hilt. I will never not laugh at your anecdotes. I will never not help you out when you need it. I will never not counsel you to the best of my ability. And I will do this knowing that I can get hurt in the process. I will do this knowing that while I trust you, you will never trust me the same way.