It is happening again. I knew it would, I guess I just didn’t expect it to happen so fast, or so soon. The walls are closing in on me. I keep joking about running away and hiding or hibernating and not responding. Its becoming an ironic sort of joke. Having tasted the sweet, sweet nectar of complete relaxation and bliss; I now keep wanting more.
I walked away from my responsibilities 2 weeks ago. I left everything behind, stagnant and frozen in time. Work, studies, social commitments were all put on hold and replaced with the sun, sea and nature. I slept, swam, hiked, biked to my hearts content. No regrets.
I know I take on too much. It is a problem that I have always been aware of but have been incapable of admitting. I know other people see it but it has become a defense mechanism to “handle it” every time.
Being back, and battling everything I’ve realized what I felt free from. From feeling ‘overwhelmed’. It is almost like I was drowning and I hadn’t even realized it. Those days I shut everything off and staying inside alone kept me sane through everything that was (and is) going on outside. My subconscious is remarkably responsible.
But now, I’m scared and I’m worried. I don’t know if I can manage everything. I have to pick and choose but I cannot say no either. Stuck between a rock and a hardplace. I don’t know what to do. I just know that I can’t let myself slide down the sharp end of the cliff again. I need to have a firm grip this time around. I just feel a little out of control. Not sure whether to play the “yes-man” route to see where things go or to pull the reigns back tightly.
I can feel the walls closing around me, cutting off my oxygen. I can do this. No, no I can’t. Yes I can. My chest is constricted, there is a lump in my throat and I just want to go away already.
This is the least articulate I have ever been. And the most helpless. Completely at a loss.
unsatiatedexpectations 