Karma 3.0

One of the tried and tested methods of being successful is the belief that karma can really be a bitch.

Absolute behavior is the character on display when under stress, emotional or physical, or when confronted with a daunting situation. Usually people tend towards the easy way out, passive aggressive tendencies, avoidance techniques compounded by the surrounding themselves with “like minded” people who have been similarly “wronged”. It’s definitely the easier and more palatable decision to make. Reflex dictates that one is always on the defensive and the aggressive. Very few people, have the skills needed to conduct a thorough retrospective analysis of the situation. Those people will not be running their mouth about the unfairness of a situation, those people will not be angrily avoiding their instigator, those people will not be selfishly making contact only when it benefits them, and they will not be the ones who will feign normalcy and niceties when face to face with the problem.

These people will be the ones who are mentally challenged and surprised at every turning but are able to compartmentalize and assess a situation for what it is. They are able to separate their personal lives from their professional forays and are capable of making fair, just decisions for that reason. They do not bear crosses of entitlement nor do they talk without actually being capable of walking the walk.

Life gives you lemons and you make lemonade. Life gives you people to learn from, to lean on and to grow with. Some people can only supply you with the knowledge of what not to do, or how not to act and that is okay. That is their role in your life. Do not be disappointed or distressed in the way something goes, because their selfish needs are always rewarded. Be kind and compassionate and fair. Refuse to give in to the urge to fall to their level. Refuse to be petty and selfish. Refuse to let them drag you down.

Karma is a bitch. But she’s consistent.

Claustrophobic

It is happening again. I knew it would, I guess I just didn’t expect it to happen so fast, or so soon. The walls are closing in on me. I keep joking about running away and hiding or hibernating and not responding. Its becoming an ironic sort of joke. Having tasted the sweet, sweet nectar of complete relaxation and bliss; I now keep wanting more. 

I walked away from my responsibilities 2 weeks ago. I left everything behind, stagnant and frozen in time. Work, studies, social commitments were all put on hold and replaced with the sun, sea and nature. I slept, swam, hiked, biked to my hearts content. No regrets. 

I know I take on too much. It is a problem that I have always been aware of but have been incapable of admitting. I know other people see it but it has become a defense mechanism to “handle it” every time. 

Being back, and battling everything I’ve realized what I felt free from. From feeling ‘overwhelmed’. It is almost like I was drowning and I hadn’t even realized it. Those days I shut everything off and staying inside alone kept me sane through everything that was (and is) going on outside. My subconscious is remarkably responsible. 

But now, I’m scared and I’m worried. I don’t know if I can manage everything. I have to pick and choose but I cannot say no either. Stuck between a rock and a hardplace. I don’t know what to do. I just know that I can’t let myself slide down the sharp end of the cliff again. I need to have a firm grip this time around. I just feel a little out of control. Not sure whether to play the “yes-man” route to see where things go or to pull the reigns back tightly. 

I can feel the walls closing around me, cutting off my oxygen. I can do this. No, no I can’t. Yes I can. My chest is constricted, there is a lump in my throat and I just want to go away already. 

This is the least articulate I have ever been. And the most helpless. Completely at a loss. 

Cheesy 12:40am

I don’t know what I would do without you guys to keep me grounded.

You make everything better.

I love you so much.

Joie de Vivre

I can’t remember the last time I wrote one of these with a smile on my face. I mean sure, there were some when there was a smile on the inside but this is a physical change on my face right now. Yup, just checked PhotoBooth, its not just a sensation.

I am just so happy. I don’t even know why! I just feel so rested, and elated all the time now. It is almost as if my brain woke up from a terrible hangover, drank a gallon of tomato juice and decided to go for a run. It feels brilliant. 

I was in a really bad place for the last few weeks in between procrastination and dealing with a whole bunch of obligations. In the middle of all that, I lost sight of things I promised myself I wouldn’t. This sounds so cliched that even while I’m writing it, I’m shaking my head and cringing internally.

Finally, I spoke about the trouble I was in to a couple of my friends. Short of physically slapping me, they bashed me for being such a nutcase. There was this ridiculous moment of clarity, an epiphany of horror. I suddenly realized all the things I’d done wrong, could’ve handled better and all the stupid things I had started to care so much about just for the sake of distracting myself from.

This weekend was for me. I did everything I had been putting off. Watched an entire season of Friends. A feel good weekend if there ever was one. Then I sat and reread all my blog posts with the growing horror that I needed to confront the progression I was considering a depressing reality. I’m such an idiot sometimes, and such few people have the gall to throw it at me and tell me to deal with it as an adult.

Its been a week now. And I’m fine.

I love it.

Person 3

It amuses me to no end that we’ve known of each others existence for years albeit in parallel universes. How timing comes into play for new relationships is truly a thing of wonder few have the open-sighted-ness to revel in.

You infuriate me. You make me want to learn more and not to give up so easily. The conviction you hold in your opinions (however true or false they may truly be) is actually amazing. The degree of bravery and strength I’ve seen you display in the last few months inspires me to keep pushing, and not to take everything at face value (a point I was coming to accept).

I love having deep conversations with you. Arguing over trivial matters, listening to demonic rants against someone or the other. I love how you take everything I say with a pinch of salt and how you somehow understand how to handle me in my most difficult times. You haven’t always been there, yet it feels like I’ve known you forever. Which is totally weird.

And I keep on learning. The things you hold most dear, opinions, people, events in your life and even the tone of voice and the faces you make… are all a part of you. You’ve accepted everything in your life for what it is, and you’ve somehow managed to make it through unscathed, and completely whole. If you compromised on anything ever, it would be cheating on yourself. Something you would never let yourself do. Being honest with yourself is paramount. You talk too much. But you have a reason. You can’t leave things to build up inside you, you rather vent. Be it online, or in a journal or to someone important. But you’ll do so when you’ve figured out where you stand on something. And that is important to you.

You may even wonder if this hard-hitting behavior of yours is cause for dissent amongst the ranks. It isn’t. You are much loved, well respected and honestly, a joy to be around. I miss you when I don’t see you, even if it is just you making those stupid ugly faces at me. I admire how you fight for things out of your reach (No I mean that literally… awkward!) and how you still have a positive outlook for everything even if you may be a little delusional.

You’re a little annoying with your retweeting habits and your opinions that people haven’t learnt to take with a pinch of salt. But I’ll never see you that way. You’re very important to me. If there was anything bothering me, you’re one of the people I would be more than comfortable letting know about it because I don’t have to be polite, or pretend, or act nice with you. I wonder if you can tell that… If there is ever anything getting me down, making me sad, holding me back or getting to me, I know I can tell you without hesitation. I’m sure there are things you have seen me saying or doing that make you grind your teeth with distaste, but I honestly am happy you haven’t used them against me (yet). Thanks for understanding my idiosyncrasies, my bitch moods, and letting me use you as a punching bag (the teeth marks haven’t gone yet by the way).

More than that, thanks for helping me not compromise on how I wanted to be.

I feel like I’m handing you a prize or something. I’m not. Calm down. You haven’t won anything. Please bring me a chocolate bar tomorrow you piece of…

Occasionally

I see how you’re looking at me, and I can see you wave and smile. The energy it takes for me to reciprocate seems hardly worth it and I hope a nod suffices. I hate the feeling of distaste I get when we converse. Like you’re trying to hard to prove something or that you’re so weak and insecure by yourself that respect is hard if not ill-gotten. The expression in your eyes or the way you talk and act is something I cannot mimic, or compete with or even enjoy. I used to be able to muster some enthusiasm over your antics but I can’t handle this anymore. I can’t deal with the drama day after day. I wonder if I’ll every meet all of you once these 5 years are over. Once we’ve moved on. When I will have moved on to bigger, better things. Will you still be sitting and wallowing in the deep pit you continue to hollow out day after day? Or will you have evolved… will you still be so sad. Will I still feel pity and disgust? Or will I get over it…

I hate how you are with me sometimes. Giving up without even trying. Mental blocks are a reality but you take them too far. Its called having faith in yourself, and its called believing that you can do it. I sometimes feel that you hang out with a different crowd and when you return back to a land where you are truly believed in you can’t handle it. It isn’t a comfort zone, it isn’t a place you can deal with with ease. You give up, you back away because for you its easier going with the general perception. I don’t know how to change your mind anymore…

I love being in my little corner, in my own comfy zone. With my headphones plugged in so that I can block out unnecessary conversation and calm myself. I love staring into space and wondering where 15 minutes went while I imagine, and daydream and work out scenarios in my head. Why can’t you let me be sometimes? Its not too much to ask. I don’t have to love being around people as much as you think I would.  I don’t care as much as you think I do. I don’t have an attitude problem and I am not going through rough times because I am not you and I don’t make wrong turns all the time.

I’ve tried but I’m done. Its back to mundane conversations. Its back to stupid text messages that I hate knowing I need to reply to but still don’t. I’m taking a step back.

Talking it out

If we talk about drugs alcohol and other indiscreet activities in a mixed gathering with casual overtones, it is categorized as ‘rude’, ‘disrespectful’ and ‘irresponsible’.

The previous generations says that in front of the elders and in some cases, younger children watching television shows and/or movies or even debates is wrong. It takes away their innocence they say, and there has to be a line of modesty.

But one must also note that this very generation, contracted AIDS, started the trend of drugs and alcohol and began the suicide campaign. Why is that? Because no one knew about it. If we continue to shield our society from these evils, are we actually helping them? Aren’t we cloaking a reality which is very much real and present in today’s world?

If we feel that certain topics are not fit to be discussed with our parents, how are the lines of communications kept open? The world is full of contradictions. We are told that we can tell our parents anything. And then we begin to talk about the ‘s’ word and the ‘d’ word and all of a sudden its a torrent of ‘lectures’ and ‘how could you be so rude’. How then is the youth of today supposed to discuss issues, and form solutions.

They say, this is something to discuss when you get older. Uh, what if its too late by then? What if you’ve already ‘indulged’ and ruined your life? Will they open their arms and say ‘Its okay, come lets talk about it!”? Nope, we’ll be locked away for life.

Many teenagers live a double life, being open and ‘liberal’ amongst their peers; at ease to discuss even the most sensitive topics and form the right opinions. Then they go home and play dumb about the condition (mental and sociological) of the general world society. Where is the honesty in this?
How does this, make us better people?

Barely

I hate the days when I look at everything I love and enjoy and then I wonder what it will all amount too. Maybe it won’t amount to anything. Maybe everything will slowly lose meaning. All the words, the motions and the moments will become routine, a duty.

Where will that leave me? Will I eventually be happy where I am?

I’m not the smartest, nor am I the most creative. I’m not the kindest nor am I the bravest. Everything I do, and everyone I love and make an effort with are the people I hope to have in my future.

But then you watch the news.

What does it all amount to?

A life of just barely getting by?

Why I Don’t Smoke

I’ve always wanted to write this. But before I could, I needed to get my head straight. I mean, there is no point in vehemently going against something unless you can logically back it up right? And I am all about the logic. Well mostly.

Now I’m not going to seperate this into smoking and smoking up. I’m going to throw it all together into this hi-tech blender I call my mind and hope the resulting smoothie is somewhat pleasing. Here’s to hoping.

1) The Smell. Oh my God, its ghastly. It actually makes me wrinkle my nose if I’m sitting  near it. Plus the heavy, gross smell on guys puts me off completely. It makes me reach for Body Shop spray and hope the springtime aromas can chase away the smell of ash and tobacco from the air. Obviously this is going to come as being exceedingly harsh on many levels. I don’t make a big deal out of it, to each his own, but it does stink. I guess my chemo-receptors are of a different planet? Solar system?

2) Depressor. Its true. It makes my mood go from Flying High to Swimming with the Fish. I don’t know why I’m “blessed” with this reaction but nevertheless it is there. The first three breaths affect me 10% in the negative way. Its the reason why I suddenly start falling quiet in conversations and why I get confused as to why I’m being such a bore. Are these swings normal?

3) Addiction. I hate it when people run out on me to go and smoke a joint in the corner just so that they can be in a better mood. I sound like such an insensitive brat right now. Jeez, I know I don’t have any idea what you’ve been through or why you do what you do but the fact that someone, ANYONE needs a rolled up piece of paper to get through the day is extremely distressing to me because I hate being dependent on anything. I know myself. If I try one thing, the next is a stone’s throw away. And I don’t really want to pick up any stone.

4) Social. I know many people who will get a kick out of it if I give it a go. But I also know a lot more people who will kick ME for giving it a go. I have a feeling my lungs are kind of part of that too. I don’t believe in letting society dictate your every move but I do care what I think of myself. Its about keeping myself in that “good” zone where I still trust myself and know who I am.

5) Profession. Being a med student it doesn’t seem honest to partake in anything that would be detrimental to my health. I already have Cancer, Diabetes, Heart Disease and Alzheimer’s lining up to attack my DNA, do I really want Emphysema and Lung Disease on that list as well? I would rather prolong any serious illness as far as possible. That is also why I like moving away from Smokers. I don’t WANT to look like a tight-ass, I just don’t want passive smoking to be on my list. Pregnancy and Smoking. It scares me even more. I do not want my child to pay for me running out to fulfill a smoke craving.

6) Family. My grandfather smoked. I should have made this number one. But here it is, this has affected me in more ways than some. No amount of anti-smoking media, classroom images or even stern implied lectures would affect me as his death did. I’ll write about it some day. I was nine. I miss him every day. He was in a job where smoking was the coolest thing to do. He didn’t even know how bad it was for him till he had his first heart attack. My dad was 14. If he had died… I don’t want to think about it. His health deteriorated. I know that. I saw it. I have images of him collapsing and me running to the other room and shutting everything out. The main cause? Smoking. I can never even inhale a bit of smoke without wondering if that is the reason I would never exhale again. Noone really thinks like that. Why should they? But seeing him in the ICU lying there, weaker than I’ve ever seen anyone my whole entire life taught me two things. A) Medicine Medicine Medicine. B) No. Smoking. Ever.

7) High. I’m a generally very happy person. I have no desire to get into a bit of a crazy state. Sure, it makes me sound super boring and totally lame to never want to try it. I know people must feel weird, and even awkward when I very blatantly  make it obvious that I am not interested. I don’t want anyone to feel that way ever. I want everyone to be comfortable with me. See, I live by to each his own. I really, truly do.

I felt like I should write this. I thought it was necessary at the time. I don’t know if anyone out there is reading it or if anyone even understands. I worry about whether this is the right thing to do, completely shunning something. I worry if this will cause people to shun me in social situations. I worry about whether I am strong enough to keep my feet firmly planted. Maybe this here is to remind myself. But the thing is, I will never forget. I cannot change who I am. Not to fit in, not to partake in the secret gossip people may share regarding it. Yes I will never understand the glee you may feel when you light up. But hey. I still love you. And well, let me live through you.

I just want to live everyday, all day.