Back from Hiatus

I’ve been on hiatus for the last few months, satiating some expectations and all that. Countless times, I’ve opened up my blog just to stare at it. To try and figure out whether I had something to say, anything worth writing about. It has become an active goal of mine not to write about things that have made me unhappy because a) it makes for dubiously depressing re-readings and b) it is not a healthy habit. Yes yes, I am more than aware that I seem to only write about troubling things and I apologize. I’ve had a terrible problem ever since I was a child, I can never write happy stories or pen happy endings. I would and do, write the most gory, depressing, disturbing stories. I’ve discovered that my happy exterior is balanced by this, this dark part of me. It makes it possible for me to vent out all the negativity in a productive manner. Some people paint, some people shoot and I pick up the proverbial pen and write it out. 

Another reason for my recent stint of Writer’s Block is the fact that life has suddenly gotten too real. Cue the suspenseful music please! Things have been happening, dear Kitty. I’ve been making leaps and bounds. I’ve been having a really good few weeks. Meeting people, having numerous heart to hearts and I’ve done my fair bit of soul-searching too. [Knocks on wood.] But under all of that have been things that I don’t particularly want to write about because seeing them written in black and white may cause me to have a slight stroke. I’m a bit of an ostrich that way, with the tendency to bury my head in the sand and pretend like things will pass me by. 

Making adult decisions is hard. Acting like an adult is even harder. When I meet new people, they don’t see my backstory. They know practically nothing about me, and hence acting like a well oiled cog in the clockwork of society is highly important. I don’t care for it but I do worry that they’re getting an inconsistent impression. Well that and everyone else who knows me apparently sees me as unnecessarily emotional and annoyingly so. Thanks a lot, you’ve taken away my mental projection of myself. The three C’s : Calm, Collected and Confident. Lovely. All those hopes dashed. 

But yes. Shying away from dealing with certain facets of reality and enjoying the perks of other happenings has been the bulk of my break. I’ve also never been as lazy as this before. I’ve treated time like the sand running through my fingers. Apparently regular old “self-assured” me has discovered a penchant for sleeping in and accomplishing nothing whatsoever. Fair enough. It was bound to happen. 

I’m also writing this to check if I still can. It is deeply baffling to me that I haven’t written anything of substance in weeks. Terrible really. 

Note: high-five for Anne Frank reference! 

 

Parley

“Why were you so quiet today?” 

“I’m starting university again from Monday. The daily grind ain’t looking so good.”

“You had a solid 2 week break!”

“It wasn’t enough!”

“Honey, I’m sure you achieved enough.”

“I did.”

“Alright list it out. It’ll cheer you up, you love lists.”

“No I don’t.”

“Your multiple posts on Facebook say otherwise.”

“Number one; I caught up on my sleep.”

“Plus one.”

“Number two; I met all the really important people at least twice.”

“Plus one. Does that include me?”

“Duh. Number three; I got a head start on some projects.”

“I can’t believe you worked!”

“I can’t sit still, you know that.”

“You’re insane you know that don’t you? Minus one.”

“I watched all my TV shows. And the first season of House.”

“Plus one.”

“No two. I also started Hannibal. It’s fantastic. You should watch it.”

“No. Next.”

“Sheesh tough crowd. Well I didn’t get my clothes made like I had wanted…”

“Lame.”

“Okay okay. I started going to the gym. What number is this?”

“Number Five.” 

“That sounds too little. Number Six; I bought some fantastic books to read in class.”

“Plus one again. Finally you’re reading again.”

“In my defense medical school is very taxing.”

“Sure it is. Thats why you have a million pictures up and eat out all the time.”

“That was before! I’ve cut down, honest.”

“Number Seven?”

“Hold on, there must be something. Oh yeah, I got a pair of glasses.”

“Minus one for sure. You look hilarious. Plus one for the rest of us though.”

“I call you people my friends.”

“I call you Old Woman.” 

“Ahem. Number Eight… Number Eight. I finally figured out how badly I want to do the Public Health pathway!”

“That took you all of 2 minutes to come up with. And please, you’ve known this for a while now.”

“I actually went out and did something about it. Don’t rag. Give me points.”

“No. Zero points. Come up with a new number eight.”

“This is hard. I told you I needed more days.”

“You figured out all the things that make you happy in life…”

“Did I now? Awesome, two points please.”

“That brings you up to a grand total of 6.” 

“Well that sounds positively paltry.”

“What are you going to do new this semester?”

“Nothing. And everything.”

tête-à-tête

“What do you want to achieve next year?”

“I have a list of my goals.”

“Yeah but tell me what you want. What would make you happy?”

“To be happy.”

“Hats off to the most cliched response ever noted down in the history of the world.”

“Hey, wait, don’t write that down.”

“If I don’t, then it won’t be real. You’ll forget.”

“Forget to be happy, yeah I don’t think so.”

“No you will. And stop doing things for everyone else.”

“But that makes me happy!”

“Liar.”

“I mean it! It does.”

“If you’re miserable I’m going to throw this back in your face.”

“I’d rather you didn’t do that. I’m human. I can’t be perfect all the time.”

“What else do you want to achieve?”

“I want to finish a research project. And figure out my elective break. And figure out what to do in my spare time.”

“It doesn’t  look like you are going to have any spare time.”

“I will.”

“Well then use it to hang out with us.”

“No, I don’t want to intrude on your plans.”

“You never intrude.”

“You’re sweet.”

“And you have to promise to eat better, and not freak out all the time.”

“You have to promise to make sure I don’t freak out.”

“Well that is quite redundant.”

“You’re going to not over think everyday things okay?”

“Fine. I’ll give it a shot.

Oh I’ve got a good one. You aren’t going to trust anyone around you.”

“Even you?”

“Apart from those you already do.”

“Well I can’t help it. I’m an ever optimist.”

“You realize your heart is like a horcrux-“

“Harry Potter reference really?”

“Let me finish. Every time you open it up you give a little bit of it away. Give enough pieces away and you’re a former shell of whom you once were. Especially if those pieces are used to wipe hands and are tossed into the recycle bin.”

“Heavy. Okay fine, I’ll be wary. But you can’t change who someone is.”

“What is this entire exercise culminating in then?”

“I thought this was just a fun way to pass the time.”

“Want a piece of gum?”

“Sure! Thanks.”

Cheesy 12:40am

I don’t know what I would do without you guys to keep me grounded.

You make everything better.

I love you so much.

Joie de Vivre

I can’t remember the last time I wrote one of these with a smile on my face. I mean sure, there were some when there was a smile on the inside but this is a physical change on my face right now. Yup, just checked PhotoBooth, its not just a sensation.

I am just so happy. I don’t even know why! I just feel so rested, and elated all the time now. It is almost as if my brain woke up from a terrible hangover, drank a gallon of tomato juice and decided to go for a run. It feels brilliant. 

I was in a really bad place for the last few weeks in between procrastination and dealing with a whole bunch of obligations. In the middle of all that, I lost sight of things I promised myself I wouldn’t. This sounds so cliched that even while I’m writing it, I’m shaking my head and cringing internally.

Finally, I spoke about the trouble I was in to a couple of my friends. Short of physically slapping me, they bashed me for being such a nutcase. There was this ridiculous moment of clarity, an epiphany of horror. I suddenly realized all the things I’d done wrong, could’ve handled better and all the stupid things I had started to care so much about just for the sake of distracting myself from.

This weekend was for me. I did everything I had been putting off. Watched an entire season of Friends. A feel good weekend if there ever was one. Then I sat and reread all my blog posts with the growing horror that I needed to confront the progression I was considering a depressing reality. I’m such an idiot sometimes, and such few people have the gall to throw it at me and tell me to deal with it as an adult.

Its been a week now. And I’m fine.

I love it.

I feel like I should write

I feel like I should write. Not for anyone, not for the people who read and comment. Not for the joy that comes when someone likes a post. Not for the possibility that I could change something. No. For none of that.

I want to write so that everything in my head finds its place. Somehow seeing everything in black and white makes it far easier to comprehend, to make sense of it. We go along a winding, twisting road without looking to see how the future or the past is faring. Unfortunately, that also means when we remember it, sometimes it doesn’t make sense. I want everything to make sense.

Sometimes I think things, and then I wonder whether its “appropriate” to say them out loud. Whether it is a good idea to verbalize what I’m noticing. Others would dissuade me, and surely the norm would be thus too. But it nags away at me till I can’t help but let it out in an outpouring of words. A stream that meanders to its destination, gurgling and gushing yet always getting there in the end.

I want to write about how I wish I could be as carefree as you. Be able to just get up and go, not have parents to worry about you, or family to watch over you because that is how things are. I want to be able to have that complete freedom yet I wonder whether I would do with it. I wish I could join you on your traipsing adventures, yet I don’t know how to go for it.

I want to write about how I can see right through you. And your random facade of knowing everyone and everything even though you really don’t. About how it seems so easy for you to slot in everywhere yet never really be the right jigsaw puzzle piece. I want to tell you to calm down and take things slow, easy but yet I know there isn’t any point. Not wanting to be the “kabob main haddi” (bone in the kabob) I nod and smile and stay mute.

I want to tell you how you’re managing to distance me without even doing anything. I try hard to push things into their natural order but I’ve missed something somewhere. I’m baking the cake without the sugar. I see the stolen glances, and the silences when there is something I am missing out on. Something I may or may not be privy to. It shouldn’t get to me but it does. Juggling everything makes me feel like I’m missing something else in the duration. I haven’t done something have I?

I want you to know how you’re an idiot for thinking you’re less important than the others just because we don’t see each other as much even though you’re the first person I’d run to with worry in my heart. I’m sorry if it seemed that way, but you’re special ( ❤ ) so stop fretting over it.

I want you to understand why I cherish the random meets over the days. Whether its something important or not. Or the stupid conversations that make no sense. But sigh, still, I love them lots and lots.

I think I have a problem sometimes… I trust too easily I think. I tell people things I shouldn’t. I think it is because I like to talk. I’m going to work on it, just so that I don’t compromise myself in any way. I wouldn’t be able to live with compromising myself emotionally. I don’t want to be a gaping wound that salt attacks. But I don’t want to be a dried up scab that hasn’t known balm either. Juggling yourself is tough. Maybe I should list five people I would open up about everything and anything with, and then make sure I don’t cross that threshold too often. Maybe I’ll be more careful about what I say in the future and to whom. I think once I’ve said my all, then we’re not that close anymore, that we just seem to be done. That isn’t fair, but I’ve only got myself to blame.

I’m going to take it slow now. Five people? Done.

Person 3

It amuses me to no end that we’ve known of each others existence for years albeit in parallel universes. How timing comes into play for new relationships is truly a thing of wonder few have the open-sighted-ness to revel in.

You infuriate me. You make me want to learn more and not to give up so easily. The conviction you hold in your opinions (however true or false they may truly be) is actually amazing. The degree of bravery and strength I’ve seen you display in the last few months inspires me to keep pushing, and not to take everything at face value (a point I was coming to accept).

I love having deep conversations with you. Arguing over trivial matters, listening to demonic rants against someone or the other. I love how you take everything I say with a pinch of salt and how you somehow understand how to handle me in my most difficult times. You haven’t always been there, yet it feels like I’ve known you forever. Which is totally weird.

And I keep on learning. The things you hold most dear, opinions, people, events in your life and even the tone of voice and the faces you make… are all a part of you. You’ve accepted everything in your life for what it is, and you’ve somehow managed to make it through unscathed, and completely whole. If you compromised on anything ever, it would be cheating on yourself. Something you would never let yourself do. Being honest with yourself is paramount. You talk too much. But you have a reason. You can’t leave things to build up inside you, you rather vent. Be it online, or in a journal or to someone important. But you’ll do so when you’ve figured out where you stand on something. And that is important to you.

You may even wonder if this hard-hitting behavior of yours is cause for dissent amongst the ranks. It isn’t. You are much loved, well respected and honestly, a joy to be around. I miss you when I don’t see you, even if it is just you making those stupid ugly faces at me. I admire how you fight for things out of your reach (No I mean that literally… awkward!) and how you still have a positive outlook for everything even if you may be a little delusional.

You’re a little annoying with your retweeting habits and your opinions that people haven’t learnt to take with a pinch of salt. But I’ll never see you that way. You’re very important to me. If there was anything bothering me, you’re one of the people I would be more than comfortable letting know about it because I don’t have to be polite, or pretend, or act nice with you. I wonder if you can tell that… If there is ever anything getting me down, making me sad, holding me back or getting to me, I know I can tell you without hesitation. I’m sure there are things you have seen me saying or doing that make you grind your teeth with distaste, but I honestly am happy you haven’t used them against me (yet). Thanks for understanding my idiosyncrasies, my bitch moods, and letting me use you as a punching bag (the teeth marks haven’t gone yet by the way).

More than that, thanks for helping me not compromise on how I wanted to be.

I feel like I’m handing you a prize or something. I’m not. Calm down. You haven’t won anything. Please bring me a chocolate bar tomorrow you piece of…

Occasionally

I see how you’re looking at me, and I can see you wave and smile. The energy it takes for me to reciprocate seems hardly worth it and I hope a nod suffices. I hate the feeling of distaste I get when we converse. Like you’re trying to hard to prove something or that you’re so weak and insecure by yourself that respect is hard if not ill-gotten. The expression in your eyes or the way you talk and act is something I cannot mimic, or compete with or even enjoy. I used to be able to muster some enthusiasm over your antics but I can’t handle this anymore. I can’t deal with the drama day after day. I wonder if I’ll every meet all of you once these 5 years are over. Once we’ve moved on. When I will have moved on to bigger, better things. Will you still be sitting and wallowing in the deep pit you continue to hollow out day after day? Or will you have evolved… will you still be so sad. Will I still feel pity and disgust? Or will I get over it…

I hate how you are with me sometimes. Giving up without even trying. Mental blocks are a reality but you take them too far. Its called having faith in yourself, and its called believing that you can do it. I sometimes feel that you hang out with a different crowd and when you return back to a land where you are truly believed in you can’t handle it. It isn’t a comfort zone, it isn’t a place you can deal with with ease. You give up, you back away because for you its easier going with the general perception. I don’t know how to change your mind anymore…

I love being in my little corner, in my own comfy zone. With my headphones plugged in so that I can block out unnecessary conversation and calm myself. I love staring into space and wondering where 15 minutes went while I imagine, and daydream and work out scenarios in my head. Why can’t you let me be sometimes? Its not too much to ask. I don’t have to love being around people as much as you think I would.  I don’t care as much as you think I do. I don’t have an attitude problem and I am not going through rough times because I am not you and I don’t make wrong turns all the time.

I’ve tried but I’m done. Its back to mundane conversations. Its back to stupid text messages that I hate knowing I need to reply to but still don’t. I’m taking a step back.

Just for Today

Many people go through depression and confusion. This makes most of the pain go away. I don’t know about you but I felt really good after I read it.

Just for today I will try to live through this day only and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would apal me if i felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that “most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my “luck” as it comes and fit myself to it.

Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn and not get found out: if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things i don’t want to do-just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, I will try to get a better perspective on my life.

Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

-Anonymous

Talking it out

If we talk about drugs alcohol and other indiscreet activities in a mixed gathering with casual overtones, it is categorized as ‘rude’, ‘disrespectful’ and ‘irresponsible’.

The previous generations says that in front of the elders and in some cases, younger children watching television shows and/or movies or even debates is wrong. It takes away their innocence they say, and there has to be a line of modesty.

But one must also note that this very generation, contracted AIDS, started the trend of drugs and alcohol and began the suicide campaign. Why is that? Because no one knew about it. If we continue to shield our society from these evils, are we actually helping them? Aren’t we cloaking a reality which is very much real and present in today’s world?

If we feel that certain topics are not fit to be discussed with our parents, how are the lines of communications kept open? The world is full of contradictions. We are told that we can tell our parents anything. And then we begin to talk about the ‘s’ word and the ‘d’ word and all of a sudden its a torrent of ‘lectures’ and ‘how could you be so rude’. How then is the youth of today supposed to discuss issues, and form solutions.

They say, this is something to discuss when you get older. Uh, what if its too late by then? What if you’ve already ‘indulged’ and ruined your life? Will they open their arms and say ‘Its okay, come lets talk about it!”? Nope, we’ll be locked away for life.

Many teenagers live a double life, being open and ‘liberal’ amongst their peers; at ease to discuss even the most sensitive topics and form the right opinions. Then they go home and play dumb about the condition (mental and sociological) of the general world society. Where is the honesty in this?
How does this, make us better people?