Encumbered

I do not want to help you make your decisions anymore. I do not want to be the friend who is congenial and helpful and takes care of you all the time. Sometimes I don’t even want to help. I don’t want to give you advice. I don’t want to choose where we’re going to eat. I don’t even care about it. I don’t want to decide what you’re going to order, or what you should wear. I don’t want to take care of you anymore.

I’ve spent so long picking up the pieces, glueing them together and handing them back to you. I’ve listened to you cry, and yell and I’ve heard all sides of the story. I remember when it was really important for me to be there for you and I know how much you needed me. So I was there. 

I want to be a little selfish now. I want someone to come and take care of me. I want someone to decide where we are going to eat. I want them to decide what the plan is. I want them to tell me to slow down. I want someone to hold me back once in a while. I want someone to disagree with me. I want someone to make their own life decisions. I don’t want to hear about every little thing anymore. I can’t do this. 

Trust me, I can see just how many “I’s” there are in this post. I can see how that looks bad. But I never get to be this conceited, or self-involved. I’m always looking out for someone else. I’ve had to give up things to make things easier for someone else only to have it come straight back and stab me in the back. 

I once wrote that one quote I read said if you can go through life, and come out the other end  and be able to count 5 people who you are genuinely close to, you can call yourself a winner. I’m saturated now. There are those people who I love, and cherish and would do any of the above for in a heartbeat, without thinking. And then there are those where every conversation has become tedious. Its become the same old rigmarole and instead of coming out of those hours feeling refreshed and alive, I come out tired and weary. This cannot be healthy. 

I realized today that one of the reasons this summer is wearing me out, is because there are too many occasions where I am (unconsciously) being ingratiating, or too involved. It is only when I go off the grid do I realize how occupied I can become and forget that I too need time. 

Weirdly enough, I think I just want to  be a child again. I want someone to make some decisions around me. I don’t want to dominate every single discussion with you. I don’t want to tell you what to do, you are old enough to know better. I want to be selfish one day, and have you listen to me for a change and have you tell me what to do in the crazy haze that is life. 

I don’t think that I can stop being how I have always with the people who really matter. I just need to figure out who is really worth it. And if you’re reading this, and you understand this; then you’re probably one of them. 

Parley

“Why were you so quiet today?” 

“I’m starting university again from Monday. The daily grind ain’t looking so good.”

“You had a solid 2 week break!”

“It wasn’t enough!”

“Honey, I’m sure you achieved enough.”

“I did.”

“Alright list it out. It’ll cheer you up, you love lists.”

“No I don’t.”

“Your multiple posts on Facebook say otherwise.”

“Number one; I caught up on my sleep.”

“Plus one.”

“Number two; I met all the really important people at least twice.”

“Plus one. Does that include me?”

“Duh. Number three; I got a head start on some projects.”

“I can’t believe you worked!”

“I can’t sit still, you know that.”

“You’re insane you know that don’t you? Minus one.”

“I watched all my TV shows. And the first season of House.”

“Plus one.”

“No two. I also started Hannibal. It’s fantastic. You should watch it.”

“No. Next.”

“Sheesh tough crowd. Well I didn’t get my clothes made like I had wanted…”

“Lame.”

“Okay okay. I started going to the gym. What number is this?”

“Number Five.” 

“That sounds too little. Number Six; I bought some fantastic books to read in class.”

“Plus one again. Finally you’re reading again.”

“In my defense medical school is very taxing.”

“Sure it is. Thats why you have a million pictures up and eat out all the time.”

“That was before! I’ve cut down, honest.”

“Number Seven?”

“Hold on, there must be something. Oh yeah, I got a pair of glasses.”

“Minus one for sure. You look hilarious. Plus one for the rest of us though.”

“I call you people my friends.”

“I call you Old Woman.” 

“Ahem. Number Eight… Number Eight. I finally figured out how badly I want to do the Public Health pathway!”

“That took you all of 2 minutes to come up with. And please, you’ve known this for a while now.”

“I actually went out and did something about it. Don’t rag. Give me points.”

“No. Zero points. Come up with a new number eight.”

“This is hard. I told you I needed more days.”

“You figured out all the things that make you happy in life…”

“Did I now? Awesome, two points please.”

“That brings you up to a grand total of 6.” 

“Well that sounds positively paltry.”

“What are you going to do new this semester?”

“Nothing. And everything.”