Just for you.

My friend worries all the time. She worries if the person who has suddenly come into her life is serious about her or not. She doesn’t know if he’s into her despite her having worn her heart on her sleeve. I know this was hard for her, and as she’s always been the cynical sort, new to these situations. They talk a lot, they speak about the future. But there are no labels. And that is when I realized something.

Without labels no-one understands what to make of a new relationship. Are you just friends? Are you more than friends? Are you going out if its obvious you like each other? What are you? How do you know if this is real or not? And more than this, how do you explain it to other people?

It is much easier when we are younger. You can smack any label onto it and do as you please. And then suddenly you grow up. Or well, people see you as grown up. You become aware of society and the responsibilities a relationship entails and you start to worry.

“If it isn’t serious, is he just using me? ”

“Okay so we spoke all night, but do you think he’s interested in me?”

“We didn’t speak for 2 days!”

“Okay so we aren’t dating, so I can’t just be annoyed at him for little things because like, its not official you know?

“Man, I’m just having some fun, so what? ”

And you know what? It is fine to not know. It is fine to go through your day one moment, one minute at a time. It is perfectly normal to not know if its serious yet or not, and it is also okay to pretend like you know what you are doing. It’s definitely easier, infinitely easier to smack a label or categorize whatever it is you two have because then you’ll think you’ll have a playbook that society and culture have cultivated over the years. You’ll know what is expected. You’ll know that you should celebrate one month, or remember the date you became official, or figure out that those inside jokes you two have are secret inside jokes.

But it is also a far better idea to not worry about those things. To take things at your own pace, to forge your own path. If it is meant to be, it will be. So my answer to all your questions, my darling, is this:

Let it go. Let it happen of its own accord. Your propensity to overthink in this realm will only be detrimental. You are not compromising on yourself, and no you are not changing as a person. He is so lucky to have you in his life, just as I am to have you in mine. Yes, he does like you. No, he is not playing you. Yes, he does seem like a great person and I hope for you this is the real deal. No, you are not allowed to look down upon yourself and don’t you dare listen to those people who you and I both know as being a little traditional in their views. You do not have to prove this to anyone, and least of all yourself. I’m so proud of you for how you’ve managed and micromanaged these situations and I have no advice for you. Why do you think my messages comprise solely of laughter and emoticons now? Just know, that I am more than capable of shooting his knee-caps off if he even tries to pull a fast one.

You’ve got a solid head and a lovely heart. I love you, you gem.

 

Encumbered

I do not want to help you make your decisions anymore. I do not want to be the friend who is congenial and helpful and takes care of you all the time. Sometimes I don’t even want to help. I don’t want to give you advice. I don’t want to choose where we’re going to eat. I don’t even care about it. I don’t want to decide what you’re going to order, or what you should wear. I don’t want to take care of you anymore.

I’ve spent so long picking up the pieces, glueing them together and handing them back to you. I’ve listened to you cry, and yell and I’ve heard all sides of the story. I remember when it was really important for me to be there for you and I know how much you needed me. So I was there. 

I want to be a little selfish now. I want someone to come and take care of me. I want someone to decide where we are going to eat. I want them to decide what the plan is. I want them to tell me to slow down. I want someone to hold me back once in a while. I want someone to disagree with me. I want someone to make their own life decisions. I don’t want to hear about every little thing anymore. I can’t do this. 

Trust me, I can see just how many “I’s” there are in this post. I can see how that looks bad. But I never get to be this conceited, or self-involved. I’m always looking out for someone else. I’ve had to give up things to make things easier for someone else only to have it come straight back and stab me in the back. 

I once wrote that one quote I read said if you can go through life, and come out the other end  and be able to count 5 people who you are genuinely close to, you can call yourself a winner. I’m saturated now. There are those people who I love, and cherish and would do any of the above for in a heartbeat, without thinking. And then there are those where every conversation has become tedious. Its become the same old rigmarole and instead of coming out of those hours feeling refreshed and alive, I come out tired and weary. This cannot be healthy. 

I realized today that one of the reasons this summer is wearing me out, is because there are too many occasions where I am (unconsciously) being ingratiating, or too involved. It is only when I go off the grid do I realize how occupied I can become and forget that I too need time. 

Weirdly enough, I think I just want to  be a child again. I want someone to make some decisions around me. I don’t want to dominate every single discussion with you. I don’t want to tell you what to do, you are old enough to know better. I want to be selfish one day, and have you listen to me for a change and have you tell me what to do in the crazy haze that is life. 

I don’t think that I can stop being how I have always with the people who really matter. I just need to figure out who is really worth it. And if you’re reading this, and you understand this; then you’re probably one of them.