I do not want to help you make your decisions anymore. I do not want to be the friend who is congenial and helpful and takes care of you all the time. Sometimes I don’t even want to help. I don’t want to give you advice. I don’t want to choose where we’re going to eat. I don’t even care about it. I don’t want to decide what you’re going to order, or what you should wear. I don’t want to take care of you anymore.
I’ve spent so long picking up the pieces, glueing them together and handing them back to you. I’ve listened to you cry, and yell and I’ve heard all sides of the story. I remember when it was really important for me to be there for you and I know how much you needed me. So I was there.
I want to be a little selfish now. I want someone to come and take care of me. I want someone to decide where we are going to eat. I want them to decide what the plan is. I want them to tell me to slow down. I want someone to hold me back once in a while. I want someone to disagree with me. I want someone to make their own life decisions. I don’t want to hear about every little thing anymore. I can’t do this.
Trust me, I can see just how many “I’s” there are in this post. I can see how that looks bad. But I never get to be this conceited, or self-involved. I’m always looking out for someone else. I’ve had to give up things to make things easier for someone else only to have it come straight back and stab me in the back.
I once wrote that one quote I read said if you can go through life, and come out the other end and be able to count 5 people who you are genuinely close to, you can call yourself a winner. I’m saturated now. There are those people who I love, and cherish and would do any of the above for in a heartbeat, without thinking. And then there are those where every conversation has become tedious. Its become the same old rigmarole and instead of coming out of those hours feeling refreshed and alive, I come out tired and weary. This cannot be healthy.
I realized today that one of the reasons this summer is wearing me out, is because there are too many occasions where I am (unconsciously) being ingratiating, or too involved. It is only when I go off the grid do I realize how occupied I can become and forget that I too need time.
Weirdly enough, I think I just want to be a child again. I want someone to make some decisions around me. I don’t want to dominate every single discussion with you. I don’t want to tell you what to do, you are old enough to know better. I want to be selfish one day, and have you listen to me for a change and have you tell me what to do in the crazy haze that is life.
I don’t think that I can stop being how I have always with the people who really matter. I just need to figure out who is really worth it. And if you’re reading this, and you understand this; then you’re probably one of them.
unsatiatedexpectations 