Back from Hiatus

I’ve been on hiatus for the last few months, satiating some expectations and all that. Countless times, I’ve opened up my blog just to stare at it. To try and figure out whether I had something to say, anything worth writing about. It has become an active goal of mine not to write about things that have made me unhappy because a) it makes for dubiously depressing re-readings and b) it is not a healthy habit. Yes yes, I am more than aware that I seem to only write about troubling things and I apologize. I’ve had a terrible problem ever since I was a child, I can never write happy stories or pen happy endings. I would and do, write the most gory, depressing, disturbing stories. I’ve discovered that my happy exterior is balanced by this, this dark part of me. It makes it possible for me to vent out all the negativity in a productive manner. Some people paint, some people shoot and I pick up the proverbial pen and write it out. 

Another reason for my recent stint of Writer’s Block is the fact that life has suddenly gotten too real. Cue the suspenseful music please! Things have been happening, dear Kitty. I’ve been making leaps and bounds. I’ve been having a really good few weeks. Meeting people, having numerous heart to hearts and I’ve done my fair bit of soul-searching too. [Knocks on wood.] But under all of that have been things that I don’t particularly want to write about because seeing them written in black and white may cause me to have a slight stroke. I’m a bit of an ostrich that way, with the tendency to bury my head in the sand and pretend like things will pass me by. 

Making adult decisions is hard. Acting like an adult is even harder. When I meet new people, they don’t see my backstory. They know practically nothing about me, and hence acting like a well oiled cog in the clockwork of society is highly important. I don’t care for it but I do worry that they’re getting an inconsistent impression. Well that and everyone else who knows me apparently sees me as unnecessarily emotional and annoyingly so. Thanks a lot, you’ve taken away my mental projection of myself. The three C’s : Calm, Collected and Confident. Lovely. All those hopes dashed. 

But yes. Shying away from dealing with certain facets of reality and enjoying the perks of other happenings has been the bulk of my break. I’ve also never been as lazy as this before. I’ve treated time like the sand running through my fingers. Apparently regular old “self-assured” me has discovered a penchant for sleeping in and accomplishing nothing whatsoever. Fair enough. It was bound to happen. 

I’m also writing this to check if I still can. It is deeply baffling to me that I haven’t written anything of substance in weeks. Terrible really. 

Note: high-five for Anne Frank reference! 

 

Just for you.

My friend worries all the time. She worries if the person who has suddenly come into her life is serious about her or not. She doesn’t know if he’s into her despite her having worn her heart on her sleeve. I know this was hard for her, and as she’s always been the cynical sort, new to these situations. They talk a lot, they speak about the future. But there are no labels. And that is when I realized something.

Without labels no-one understands what to make of a new relationship. Are you just friends? Are you more than friends? Are you going out if its obvious you like each other? What are you? How do you know if this is real or not? And more than this, how do you explain it to other people?

It is much easier when we are younger. You can smack any label onto it and do as you please. And then suddenly you grow up. Or well, people see you as grown up. You become aware of society and the responsibilities a relationship entails and you start to worry.

“If it isn’t serious, is he just using me? ”

“Okay so we spoke all night, but do you think he’s interested in me?”

“We didn’t speak for 2 days!”

“Okay so we aren’t dating, so I can’t just be annoyed at him for little things because like, its not official you know?

“Man, I’m just having some fun, so what? ”

And you know what? It is fine to not know. It is fine to go through your day one moment, one minute at a time. It is perfectly normal to not know if its serious yet or not, and it is also okay to pretend like you know what you are doing. It’s definitely easier, infinitely easier to smack a label or categorize whatever it is you two have because then you’ll think you’ll have a playbook that society and culture have cultivated over the years. You’ll know what is expected. You’ll know that you should celebrate one month, or remember the date you became official, or figure out that those inside jokes you two have are secret inside jokes.

But it is also a far better idea to not worry about those things. To take things at your own pace, to forge your own path. If it is meant to be, it will be. So my answer to all your questions, my darling, is this:

Let it go. Let it happen of its own accord. Your propensity to overthink in this realm will only be detrimental. You are not compromising on yourself, and no you are not changing as a person. He is so lucky to have you in his life, just as I am to have you in mine. Yes, he does like you. No, he is not playing you. Yes, he does seem like a great person and I hope for you this is the real deal. No, you are not allowed to look down upon yourself and don’t you dare listen to those people who you and I both know as being a little traditional in their views. You do not have to prove this to anyone, and least of all yourself. I’m so proud of you for how you’ve managed and micromanaged these situations and I have no advice for you. Why do you think my messages comprise solely of laughter and emoticons now? Just know, that I am more than capable of shooting his knee-caps off if he even tries to pull a fast one.

You’ve got a solid head and a lovely heart. I love you, you gem.

 

Passion and Sustainability

One should only do what they are truly passionate about. Be it writing, singing, dancing, healing, baking or solving. There are those among us who are forced into situations, into choices by necessity or disillusion. They think it is the right thing to do and the right way to do it. In the process, they are unable to continue working for their chosen cause with fervor or any joy. It becomes a daily struggle, a strain to complete day-to-day tasks simply because it is required of them, not because they want to do it.

 

All of us have ventured down this uneven path at one time or the other. Sometimes we are smart enough to realize this is not for us and other times we are unable to see how tedious something may become for us and not for another. If we can wise up, we can change our route. Move towards something better and rewarding and in the long run perhaps attain happiness. It can take some time, maybe even decades till one can isolate what they would be happy doing for the rest of their lives.

 

Until then, the mad race of academics rages on. The right hook of resumes and left hook of emotional blackmail seem to battle it out in the environment around us. Changing paths and alliances because of your relationships is frankly embarrassing and juvenile. Deciding to support an organization because everyone else around you is writing it down on their CV is a bad reason. There is no doubt that you may be very helpful, that your support may be integral. But once you leave, once you are not around anymore can that organization sustain itself? Can it manage to meander through time and continue to exist with the same zeal if not more?

In all probability, maybe not. It has been my  personal experience, that if someone is enchanted by an idea and is enamored by its existence in their life then that idea will not only succeed it will continue to endure through to the end as long as other lovers follow their heart to it. Philanthropists, entrepreneurs, social activists, businessmen and their successful counterparts have one thing in common- their passion for their chosen field.

 

What I see around me frightens me at times. I see people championing a cause because they feel obliged to do so. Ask them a question about the cause, and watch them flounder. I see people joining others to add another bullet point to their resume and then to just barely get by. I see my friends guilt everyone around into donating, or joining an event simply heeding the here and now. Noone seems to be doing anything because they want to, or because they believe in it. I fear that many of the changes we tout will become blurred over due course, and their effects will die away with them as time passes. And I hope I am incorrect.

 

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, you feed a community for a lifetime.