Back from Hiatus

I’ve been on hiatus for the last few months, satiating some expectations and all that. Countless times, I’ve opened up my blog just to stare at it. To try and figure out whether I had something to say, anything worth writing about. It has become an active goal of mine not to write about things that have made me unhappy because a) it makes for dubiously depressing re-readings and b) it is not a healthy habit. Yes yes, I am more than aware that I seem to only write about troubling things and I apologize. I’ve had a terrible problem ever since I was a child, I can never write happy stories or pen happy endings. I would and do, write the most gory, depressing, disturbing stories. I’ve discovered that my happy exterior is balanced by this, this dark part of me. It makes it possible for me to vent out all the negativity in a productive manner. Some people paint, some people shoot and I pick up the proverbial pen and write it out. 

Another reason for my recent stint of Writer’s Block is the fact that life has suddenly gotten too real. Cue the suspenseful music please! Things have been happening, dear Kitty. I’ve been making leaps and bounds. I’ve been having a really good few weeks. Meeting people, having numerous heart to hearts and I’ve done my fair bit of soul-searching too. [Knocks on wood.] But under all of that have been things that I don’t particularly want to write about because seeing them written in black and white may cause me to have a slight stroke. I’m a bit of an ostrich that way, with the tendency to bury my head in the sand and pretend like things will pass me by. 

Making adult decisions is hard. Acting like an adult is even harder. When I meet new people, they don’t see my backstory. They know practically nothing about me, and hence acting like a well oiled cog in the clockwork of society is highly important. I don’t care for it but I do worry that they’re getting an inconsistent impression. Well that and everyone else who knows me apparently sees me as unnecessarily emotional and annoyingly so. Thanks a lot, you’ve taken away my mental projection of myself. The three C’s : Calm, Collected and Confident. Lovely. All those hopes dashed. 

But yes. Shying away from dealing with certain facets of reality and enjoying the perks of other happenings has been the bulk of my break. I’ve also never been as lazy as this before. I’ve treated time like the sand running through my fingers. Apparently regular old “self-assured” me has discovered a penchant for sleeping in and accomplishing nothing whatsoever. Fair enough. It was bound to happen. 

I’m also writing this to check if I still can. It is deeply baffling to me that I haven’t written anything of substance in weeks. Terrible really. 

Note: high-five for Anne Frank reference! 

 

Vacation Shutdown

It is inevitable to be drawn in to everyone around us. It is inevitable to become addicted to drama and storytelling and problem-solving. It is inevitable to suddenly want to take a page out of the Government’s playbook and shutdown. 

Welcome to the vacation. It’s fun for a little while. The endless hangouts, the long-haul plans and planning. The late nights and even later mornings. Rolling out of bed without any responsibilities or a care in the world. Feeling no urge or desire to be in an sort of a hurry. Binge watching every single show you put on hiatus and suddenly discovering new forays into the entertainment bid. Allowing yourself to eat, sleep and repeat. 

Then it gets messy. Then the chatter becomes repetitive. The faces stay the same but so do the conversations. The need to be in touch becomes a burden, almost a leash. You watch your shows just to finish them, not because you really care anymore. Anything to while away the hours. The days merge into one, the days seem less fulfilling, going out to dinner seems like a lot of work. What do you mean I need to dress up? Nahhh, Pajama’s it is. 

This is where the best policy becomes one to go underground. To shut in. To lock down on oneself. Okay okay, so that sounds way more dramatic than I want it to. All I’m saying is, that everyone needs their space to disappear. To not charge their phones, to not have to speak to anyone. To be off the radar for a couple of days and not have to answer for it. To be able to do whatever they want until they are so sick of it that they can’t wait to come back to life. 

I’m almost done being shut down. A few more days to recharge, and I can run back to the crazy, hectic, infuriating, exhilarating lifestyle I’m taking a break from. 

I’m still in my pajamas though. 

Parley

“Why were you so quiet today?” 

“I’m starting university again from Monday. The daily grind ain’t looking so good.”

“You had a solid 2 week break!”

“It wasn’t enough!”

“Honey, I’m sure you achieved enough.”

“I did.”

“Alright list it out. It’ll cheer you up, you love lists.”

“No I don’t.”

“Your multiple posts on Facebook say otherwise.”

“Number one; I caught up on my sleep.”

“Plus one.”

“Number two; I met all the really important people at least twice.”

“Plus one. Does that include me?”

“Duh. Number three; I got a head start on some projects.”

“I can’t believe you worked!”

“I can’t sit still, you know that.”

“You’re insane you know that don’t you? Minus one.”

“I watched all my TV shows. And the first season of House.”

“Plus one.”

“No two. I also started Hannibal. It’s fantastic. You should watch it.”

“No. Next.”

“Sheesh tough crowd. Well I didn’t get my clothes made like I had wanted…”

“Lame.”

“Okay okay. I started going to the gym. What number is this?”

“Number Five.” 

“That sounds too little. Number Six; I bought some fantastic books to read in class.”

“Plus one again. Finally you’re reading again.”

“In my defense medical school is very taxing.”

“Sure it is. Thats why you have a million pictures up and eat out all the time.”

“That was before! I’ve cut down, honest.”

“Number Seven?”

“Hold on, there must be something. Oh yeah, I got a pair of glasses.”

“Minus one for sure. You look hilarious. Plus one for the rest of us though.”

“I call you people my friends.”

“I call you Old Woman.” 

“Ahem. Number Eight… Number Eight. I finally figured out how badly I want to do the Public Health pathway!”

“That took you all of 2 minutes to come up with. And please, you’ve known this for a while now.”

“I actually went out and did something about it. Don’t rag. Give me points.”

“No. Zero points. Come up with a new number eight.”

“This is hard. I told you I needed more days.”

“You figured out all the things that make you happy in life…”

“Did I now? Awesome, two points please.”

“That brings you up to a grand total of 6.” 

“Well that sounds positively paltry.”

“What are you going to do new this semester?”

“Nothing. And everything.”